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UPDATE: Thanks to Michelle Malkin and Rand Sindberg for their kind links.

Posted by Patrick S Lasswell at 11:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Pushing my good friend Scott in front of a bus suddenly seemed a requirement after I met his wife. Although we had sailed together on the same ship for years, endured the same struggles, and shared cigars at the ends of the Earth, terminating his existence seemed like a very good idea. Scott had married far beyond his desserts and in order to restore the balance of justice in the universe it was necessary for me to wed his widow. In the end, of course, I did not carry out this justifiable homicide. In the first place the clever bastard never got near public transportation while I was around him again. In the second place, arranging for twenty more buses to take out the suitors lined up around the block to comfort the widow with diamond spangled jewelry was beyond my logistical capacity. Finally, if the lady in question ever found out my involvement with Scott's demise, she was perfectly capable of exacting an epically gruesome revenge for years.

Denied the circumstances that would allow me to murderously show my respects to the lady, I waited until I could find someone of her caliber for myself; which I did nine years ago. Although a civilian at the time, before we got married she accepted that I might return to military with the assurance that she supported me in anything I felt important enough to do. This week I wrote an article and was startled to discover that more women of such exceptional character were out there and they even agreed with me on a potentially very contentious subject. It turns out that real ladies are not threatened by men's magazines. When their husbands are gone; clean, safe and lonely sex is not a problem. When their husbands are home; the dirty magazines just can't compete.

These ladies refuted the folly and small mindedness of others who apparently view all nude imagery as sexual slavery and other routine biological functions as harmful addictions. Apparently it is offensive to some people that healthy young people are attracted to the sight of healthy young people and because of this it is necessary to outlaw biology. Their religious views are the paramount matter of importance in the military and the possibility that they could find something offensive in the military exchanges was of greater significance than any possible comfort provided by offensive publications.

As a long service veteran, allow me to assure everyone who reads this that there are really important things to do when you are fighting two wars at the same time. Attending to the vaporous complaints of non-combatant busybodies intruding into the private lives of the troops is not important, which probably explains why it is being handled by officious congressional aides. That real service wives are stepping forward and speaking out against this incredibly bad legislation reassures me that priceless gems still abound.

Ladies, I salute you for your courage, forbearance, forgiveness, and decency in supporting the troops in what they need to get by. Thank you for supporting and understanding your husbands in all things and sharing your wonderful existence. Just remember to keep your men away from rampaging city buses, because single troops know your worth.

Update: I just talked to Scott, unsurprisingly he still is married to his gem and she still supports him.

Posted by Patrick S Lasswell at 01:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

About the closest I ever came to killing anybody during my military service was during a locker inspection when an officer purposefully degraded my personal gear under the auspices of “health and comfort.” Normally your locker was your own, but every once in a while some idiot would bring drugs back to the ship and the “health and comfort” inspection would follow. As a rule court martials would throw out evidence gathered at these extremely suspect evolutions, but it did serve the purpose of keeping stupid sailors honest and hiding their weed in the ventilation ducting.

I have never done drugs and the officer in question was not looking for contraband. He was deliberately demeaning me because he had the opportunity to do so. He was a sawed off little twerp who was forgetting about the responsibility to lead and was engaging in some kind of petty mind game. It filtered back to him through diverse ways that his conduct was beyond the pale and would not be accepted in the future. I stood by and let him mockingly go through every item of my personal possession without incident. My shipmates stood by me to the extent they could, equally shocked that this officer would so forget himself to take the attitude he did. Eighteen years later it still raises my blood pressure.

Amongst the worst things this commissioned short man's syndrome did was comment at length about my collection of men's magazines and examine them page by page. Now Congressmen Broun of Georgia wants to do the same kind of thing for the entire military by labeling us perverts for purchasing Playboy at the exchange.

When I raised my hand to join the military I openly swore to obedience, even from from malicious shrimps appointed over me. I accepted a fairly substantial amount of poverty as part of my service; the pay rates were pretty clearly written. But I never swore to chastity, and it seems beyond the pale for this Congressman to ask it of me in word, thought, and men's magazine. Congressman Broun's aides describe him as an “addictionologist” and qualified to pass judgment on the sexuality of the entire US military. Has anybody ever checked the good doctor for obsessional intrusiveness?

Part of military service is forgoing a substantial amount of sexual activity. We are often isolated geographically from people with whom we can form healthy relationships. Even when we are at home, the requirements of the service often occupy us in eighteen-hour days and seven day weeks for months on end. For junior service members it is difficult to attract a wife with the explanation that as a couple you will probably have to go on food stamps when a child comes along. It is difficult to imagine one thing we need less than an “addictionologist” putting one more barrier to clean, safe, and lonely sexual release.

If the good doctor is so worried about harmful addictive masturbation, why doesn't he focus his attention on earmarks?

Posted by Patrick S Lasswell at 03:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (56)